bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
