I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
