Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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