that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
