she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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