forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dicks are not precious.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize