I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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