Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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