I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize