well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize