I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
