Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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