i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize