i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
