I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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