I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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