If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This baby is an asshole
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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