I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
