I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
