is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
