That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
