i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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