the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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