Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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