I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
