I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize