I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
