Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
