Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
