tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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