well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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