I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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