it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
