I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
