I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
