I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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