I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
