well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
