dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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