Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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