mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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