If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
