I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
