i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
