happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
