I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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