I accidentally had phone sex last night
Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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