Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
smell my finger.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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