I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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