Who wears a wallet chain?!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love having hate sex.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
