i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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