The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize