You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
