Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
