i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
