Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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