hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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