I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize