I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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