I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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