when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
