Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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