I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
