Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
