Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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