It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
